Chat Box

Website Chat Reader

Welcome to Transcendence

Author Topic: Random Poem~  (Read 1574 times)

Offline Tammy

  • Inactive/Retired Staff
  • ArcAngel
  • *
  • Posts: 686
  • Reputation: 25
  • Gender: Female
  • <Insert Witty Comment Here>
    • View Profile
Random Poem~
« on: July 23, 2009, 21:14 »
Here's a poem that was written quite a while ago. =.=

THE HEART

You could say, I’m in the market for a heart,

For mine was taken not so long ago.

What have you to offer? Show me all of your wares,

So I can choose another, to soften the blow.

A glass heart, as beautiful as may be,

Is truly impractical for anyone to use.

So easily shattered, and so completely clear,

It’s intentions apparent for others to peruse.

A heart of stone, while hard and cold it is,

It would be heavy within you to possess.

Like granite it will withstand all advances,

And let in no subtle laughter, nor an easy jest.

So, I say, I'll have a heart of flesh,

Though easy it is for it to tear and scar,

It mends, not destroyed as is the glass,

And in the end can take you more the far.





Oh wow.. so they're iphone earpods? Wait, I mean, earrings! No! EARPHONES!!! I MEANT EARPHONES!
If you're reading this, then good for you. :3

Offline Nicole

  • Reserve Staff
  • Heaven's Minion
  • *
  • Posts: 405
  • Reputation: 12
  • Gender: Female
  • Archivist and Proofreader
    • View Profile
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2009, 22:57 »
Tammy, that was great!  Your word choice and imagery are beautiful.

The only thing I can critique would be the end.  IMHO, I think that the heart of stone should've been mentioned by name.  [You hint at it with the "easy to tear"] And "scar" I think is a bit to closely related to "mends;" perhaps a word switch? 

Ignore all that if it is unwanted; I am a proofreader, after all! lol

Gentle, honest, and thought-provoking.  I'd really like to see more!! :)

Thanks to werr for my very first sig!! Best birthday present ever! *hug

Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. - Early American Saying

Offline Tammy

  • Inactive/Retired Staff
  • ArcAngel
  • *
  • Posts: 686
  • Reputation: 25
  • Gender: Female
  • <Insert Witty Comment Here>
    • View Profile
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2009, 00:34 »
Thanks for the help!
I'll keep it in mind. I like to go back from time to time and tidy things up.
But the best I can do are a couple of poems. I can't write long stories. TT.TT
Oh wow.. so they're iphone earpods? Wait, I mean, earrings! No! EARPHONES!!! I MEANT EARPHONES!
If you're reading this, then good for you. :3

Offline Yume

  • Inactive/Retired Staff
  • Royalty
  • *
  • Posts: 207
  • Reputation: 7
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
    • Daaku Chokoreeto
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2009, 03:43 »
I like the theme, it was an interesting read. ^^b Maybe more could've been added at the end, I was expecting another stanza (or maybe it's just me ^^").

I'm not a really a poet but I had to study about it in literature so I only have rough feedback. Poems tend to have a nice rhythm to it so reading it out to see what areas can be edited is a good way to double-check. ^^
For instance (sorry for the same example) "Though easy it is for it to tear and scar" is a bit clumsy when you say it out, and perhaps adding in a few more syllables to "And in the end can take you more the far" would seem more complete since you're ending it off.

...*looks at what she wrote* Sorry, I sound incoherent. =w=""

Offline Nicole

  • Reserve Staff
  • Heaven's Minion
  • *
  • Posts: 405
  • Reputation: 12
  • Gender: Female
  • Archivist and Proofreader
    • View Profile
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2009, 13:33 »
@Tammy- you're welcome!  I often get a good start on a project and then leave it alone for a good while.  When I come back, I have a fresh perspective to get me over any bumps!  And it's okay to be better at poems than long stories.  We each have our strength so as to contribute a variety of styles!  To be honest, I'm not very good at long stories, either.  My writing is generally concise, so it's hard to "flesh it out", so to speak.  I hate when teachers say "answer this in 5-6 sentences."  I can get the same amount of info in 3! XD lol

@Yume- no, I think your writing was coherent!  You seem to have a great sense of rhythm and fluidity. ;)

Thanks to werr for my very first sig!! Best birthday present ever! *hug

Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. - Early American Saying

Offline Yume

  • Inactive/Retired Staff
  • Royalty
  • *
  • Posts: 207
  • Reputation: 7
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
    • Daaku Chokoreeto
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2009, 04:39 »
@Yume- no, I think your writing was coherent!  You seem to have a great sense of rhythm and fluidity. ;)
Thanks~ XD Haha it comes after studying poems for some time. ;w;"

Offline Black Miserie

  • Immortal
  • *
  • Posts: 290
  • Reputation: 2
  • Gender: Female
  • Living in Darkness, Trapped in my Mind
    • View Profile
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2011, 16:43 »
it's a beautiful poem!
Please click my babies!

Offline Meiika

  • Caterpillar
  • *
  • Posts: 13
  • Reputation: 0
  • Gender: Female
  • Totoro is l-o-v-e.
    • View Profile
Re: Random Poem~
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2011, 09:49 »
I LIKE IT.  :=X:

 

Leave a Message -This is NOT for chatting!-